Big Brother 8 Daniele Donato Live Journal: 2004 - July 2005

i have a huge face.

Last night was lovely. But I'm just playing with my emotions. I know this. I'm a stupid girl. I don't like myself, but im content with this.

Christmas didn't feel like Christmas. But I feel as though this year is a year of new beginnings & I am happy to have it begin that way.

Im watching the Rose Bowl. Screw California, I want Michigan to win, but I highly doubt they will.

More than anything I dont want to go back to school on Monday. The thought alone is very depressing. I need to go to a show. I havent been in absolutely forever!! I need to get a job as well. I cant wait till I get a car. Itll be amazing. I still need to upload pictures from my trip, but it wasnt working so i dont want to keep trying. I have a lot I could say really but all my thoughts are backed up from my trip that I dont know where to start. crap.

"Some of the best things in life are total mistakes"

I saw big fish today & it is an amazing movie. Go see it. I wish I could draw. If I could I'd draw all the time. I use to draw occasionally but i don't anymore because I sucked. You know how you have that one phone call you look forward to?? The phone call that totally makes your day worth while? I missed it again today. *sigh* My music is so amazing. Im glad im a real music buff. haha. But i like dumb music too. Like I still need the Timberlake cd & the new britney cd. Cuz theyre fun to be retarded to, so somebody burn them for me. xxx. Does anyone know the name of Adam Brody's band?? I really want to know. I need a really cute guy to ask me on a date so i dont feel like a reject anymore. I want to date a foreign boy. age.. 19-21, yes sir thats what i need. I have so much to say still.


ps. sorry if i post pictures of myself too much, I realized the cause though. & that is because theres nothing else to photograph around my home. blah. I need pictures that have meaning.

"Some of the best things in life are total mistakes"

I saw big fish today & it is an amazing movie. Go see it. I wish I could draw. If I could I'd draw all the time. I use to draw occasionally but i don't anymore because I sucked. You know how you have that one phone call you look forward to?? The phone call that totally makes your day worth while? I missed it again today. *sigh* My music is so amazing. Im glad im a real music buff. haha. But i like dumb music too. Like I still need the Timberlake cd & the new britney cd. Cuz theyre fun to be retarded to, so somebody burn them for me. xxx. Does anyone know the name of Adam Brody's band?? I really want to know. I need a really cute guy to ask me on a date so i dont feel like a reject anymore. I want to date a foreign boy. age.. 19-21, yes sir thats what i need. I have so much to say still.


ps. sorry if i post pictures of myself too much, I realized the cause though. & that is because theres nothing else to photograph around my home. blah. I need pictures that have meaning.

i want to play board games all day. Its raining & i ♥ the rain, but its cold outside. So i have my blanket & my slippers on. Im officially obsessed with MySpace.com. All it takes is one night of boredum. I want to drink hot chocolate & make smores too.

haha this guy from the bookstore asked me out. he's 23. :x

Q are you gonna go out with him? ;) is he cute?

A haha. i dont think so. 23 is .. kinda too old. hes just not my type.. at all. hehe. I think hed have to be way way hot for me to go out with him.

my face hurts. Smiling for over an hour as wide as I possibly can. ♥ Today I was having a really hard day. Not well at all.

But it was raining.. & that usually makes me happy, but it wasn't working today. Then Ryan called & we talked forever. I'm so jovial after i talk to him every time. Its really funny how one person can totally change your mood. I want him to move out here sooner.

♥

Today I:

- Went to Disneyland & got an application.
- Sang really loud to Ben Kweller with the windows down & sun glasses on & felt cool.
- Went to the mall & bought makeup. (im obsessed with makeup)
- Went to Lindsays house & ate dinner. We watched Finding Nemo & Just Married *i hate that movie.
- Came home to a package from Mary ♥ ♥ I love you more then most anyone ever.
- Talked on the phone. But not long enough.
- Smiled & said, "I am content". ( This was around 2pm when i was driving in Anahiem. )

♥

& you could have it all!!! ....
I trust as far as I can spit

Saturday, January 17th at 8:o0am; I am going to an audition to become a character at Disneyland.!! They are hiring characters from the following movies:
Cinderella
Beauty & the Beast
Little Mermaid
Snow White
Alladin
Peter Pan
Marry Poppins
& Alice in Wonderland
could I be more excited?? No, I dont think so. But we'll see I know I'll cry if i dont get hired so im trying not to get to happy yet.

Its funny how I always get ready & have nowhere to go..

Trevor, this cute boy, gave me his #. hehe. Too bad I'm too shy.

Tomorrow we return to school. I seriously want to cry. I detest school with all I am. 5 more months.. I truly hope they are the fastest 5 months of my entire life.

mmmmm
"I want a girl who will laugh for no one else, when I'm away she puts her makeup on the shelf, when I'm away she never leaves the house."
I love that lyric. ♥

I had a nice day I suppose.

talked to Andrew & talked to michelle. ♥
theres so many underclassmen I'm going to miss to death after graduation.

phone calls & instant message conversations make my days worthwhile. ♥

I got beat up in the game today. Poor me. Im fragile.

Ive got nothing. Im just tired. Lame LJ posts sux. go me.

"I'm so addicted to you you're such a dick to me" -Lit.

"Im a dick, im addicted to you.." -Simple Plan

yeah these are the things you realize when youre bored. Ü

I woke up today with a fever & I was exhausted. So I went back to sleep & slept till after noon. Oh man it was delightful. I finished cleaning my room!! I did it a little at a time this time. It looks so wonderful. I love having a clean room I just have a really hard time keeping it clean. I'm messy. & i hate cleaning!! I have 10 new bruises from yesterdays game, all on my left leg. They hurt & are ugly. yay.. Im really hungry. I should go cook some food. Did you know lit is actually a good band?? Seriously. hehe. I smell good.

"I'm so addicted to you you're such a dick to me" -Lit.

"Im a dick, im addicted to you.." -Simple Plan

yeah these are the things you realize when youre bored. Ü

I woke up today with a fever & I was exhausted. So I went back to sleep & slept till after noon. Oh man it was delightful. I finished cleaning my room!! I did it a little at a time this time. It looks so wonderful. I love having a clean room I just have a really hard time keeping it clean. I'm messy. & i hate cleaning!! I have 10 new bruises from yesterdays game, all on my left leg. They hurt & are ugly. yay.. Im really hungry. I should go cook some food. Did you know lit is actually a good band?? Seriously. hehe. I smell good.

my computer didnt screw up once all day. So rad.

New Screen Name : DanieleKillsYou Add it, l♥ve it.

Im really happy. I like being happy.

could I be more happy??!!

I'm such a gurl!!! ♥

after practice i went to get my bag & i have 1 missed call & a voice mail... trevor. ♥ haha. made my day.!!

3 hours on the phone? Holy Cow!! ♥

CDs I need burned for me:

The Anniversary
New Amsterdams
The Faint
Britney Spears In the Zone.

yes so if you have any make me happy please. ♥

Yesterday at the mall I tried on this dress & i think I REALLY want it for prom its so beautiful.

Trevor called me again today but my phone didnt ring so I missed it. poop!

We lost our game today. we havent lost in a long time. I sucked so bad.

It was Andrew's Birthday today!! I ♥ Andrew.

Yesterday morning we re-did our Hamlet video for English. We did it as Barbies. It was wonderful. I was cowgirl Barbie. That took awhile. & i had to wake up early so that stunk. But its ok. Then I was really bored for most of the day. Sitting on my butt & on the internet. Then I got tired but couldn't fall asleep laying in bed. Then my phone rang & I saw the name "Trevor" on the screen. Wonderful. I seriously cant even tell you how giddy I get. Then I left & went to Rilo Kiley with Paul. ♥ soo amazing. Both opening bands were awful, but Rilo Kiley (acoustic) was lovely. Jenny Lewis came & walked through the audience it was cute. & they covered "Simply Irresistible" so beautiful. Effing genius. &&& They talked about Blake's days on Salute Your Shorts & that was hysterical -->

"Now somedays, they last longer than others..
But this day but the lake went to fast.
And if you want me, you better speak up I wont wait.
So you better mooooove fast."


ps. the 2 sky pictures i took Christmas morning on the way to FL.

Today was so boring. school stinks. But we got our soccer sweatshirts finally & they're cute.
Umm. Nothing really the only thing I have to say is that messages are the best thing ever.

"Just calling to say a bunch of stuff and like and stuff. And talk about nothing for a ridiculous amount of time."

this makes me want to dance.
Today. Umm. School is icky. I lost my new sweatshirt because I'm dumb of course. Andrew drank my grape soda. Grape soda is so yum. ♥ I'm not doing good in school & that makes me really unhappy. But its my own indolence & so you shouldnt feel bad. We lost our very first league game today & that makes me even more unhappy. I did like 5 slide tackles though I was amazing. I got a whole bunch of texts from Trevor though & that made my unhappiness go away. Paul burned me both Faint cds. wonderful. I need to make I think 2 or 3 cds. Cuz I always make amazing cds. I like talking about girly things on the long bus rides home.

Today had to have been the worst day Ive had in a really long time. I'll post later, I'm just not in the mood... at all. I just want 1 person to come online or call me. :/

So today was one of those days when everything in the world goes wrong. It was pretty awful. But I did have a few good moments of good laughs with friends. ♥ Skylar sent me a text in the morning & that made me smile. We took yearbook pictures @ the park & then had In N Out for lunch. I saw somebody from Andrew's work & i was really surprised he remembered me. He's really nice. Andrew gets a big fat hug tomorrow because I love his guts. Oh & this guy Cortney hates is going to ask her to prom I cant wait to see her reaction as she says no. There's a lot of movies I really want to see. & I want to go see Big Fish again. Yesterday I made Trevor the most amazing cd. & i decorated it all awesome & even the box to send it in. I'm the best. ha. At least I liked my hair today... :P

EFF ME!!
Can i cry now?
I suck at everything & seriously I'm never good enough. & i hate it. Maybe I try too hard.

I'm not going to cry though thats lame. I'm going to be bitter & go drive around & look for somewhere else to work instead.

I really want you to call me or text me back & say "I'm not doing anything today I REALLY want to hang out with you" & then I'll say, "I'll be right there."

She's a dreamer

ok REVISION to my Feelings an hour ago.

Daniele is happy & she is amazing.!! haha.

I think I just got a job at Hollister. go me. I went in to Abercrombie & Fitch to get an application & i was talking to both managers (two really cute [one was gorgeous] young guys) and I guess you have to be 18 to work @ A&F. But the one guy said you can be 17 to work at Hollister & i told him my story of how they screwed me this summer. He said I dont see any reason why they shouldnt hire you. so he got my name & number & said hes going to talk to the manager over there & try to get me a job. & he told me when im 18 to come apply @ A&F. I said "oh i will" haha. ♥ boys. Thats so nice though. He said I should be getting a call soon. I'm happy.

& i really want to go out today. NObodys around. I want to go to the beach & hang out.

haha. so funny. I had a dream about that really cute manager from A&F. Thats so funny. I'm a weird girl.

I hate when nobodys online. I want to go drive but I dont have a destination. I love driving alone so much. haha. yeah, weird girl....

so I cant find my TJT "Emotion is Dead" cd effing anywhere. :( That makes me really unhappy. Today was extremely boring. I wish I had more active friends. But later I went to dinner with my dad. I eat so freaking much. I feel like a cow. I have no self control & i get home & keep eating even though I'm full. We rented "Confidence" good movie. Then I came home went online bored. & Paul & Joe came over for me to take Joe home? hah yeah. I want Joe to ask me to Prom. But I dont think he will. I just dont want to go with anyone else really. *sigh
Tomorrow is going to suck. Esp considering I have to wake up in 5ish hours for practice in the morning. LOVELY.
I haven't kissed in so long. & I need to duh. i miss it.

Note: I DETEST SLOW DRIVERS

do i seriously need to go to practice?

I HATE MY SCHOOL!!!

i told my grandma, "i honestly dont know how im going to make it 4 more months."

"I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY FOREVER!!"

as i told paul; I want to take pictures of pretty things, but theres nothing to photograph. Everything is ugly today.

& sometimes i just want to listen to some hardcore crap but i have nothing. The hardest I own is probably..Thursday?
& sometimes i just blast my music because the louder it is the harder it is to think.
& sometimes i don't think I can handle .. anything.




& please redo my journal im bored of it.

I had so much fun last night. Actually yesterday was just a good day. Made up for the last. Strangers telling you youre beautiful when you look like crap helps your ego.
Driving around listening to Aqua because that was our favorite cd in 6th grade when we were best friends. Going to the Beach. Going to Target. Eating french Fries till they closed the place. Going lots of places really. I love friends. I love not being home & i cant wait for tonight! ♥

Favorite Line of the night:
(Setting : PetCo)
Me: "Audrey, wanna bone?"
*pause*
Me & Audrey: Hysterical laughter.

Yesterday was all planned out. Me & Audrey decided to ditch school together & have a good day instead. So We went to Venice Beach in the morning. If you've heard of Venice Beach, you know its California's weird hangout. So the first comment made was to Audrey, "I'll give you a lollipop if you come over here & blow me" WTF?! haha I was dying it was so hilarious. Nobody has tact down there & they're all hippies. So we got yelled at, whistled at, proposed to, told we're loved, followed & so much more. Everyone kept getting in my face though & i dont like that. But Holy crap It was great in a creepy way. Then we went down to Santa Monica Promenade where I almost got killed by a bird & a man started pointing & laughing. It was funny but scared me. But I was sad because I never have ANY money so I couldn't buy anything although I want everything.
Later I picked up Andrew, Paul, Cortney & Audrey again. & we all went to HG. Which is always fun but their set was too short. Then Andrew had to be home so we dropped him off & freaking drove around everywhere & ended up at the beach Jack In the Box where all these drunk people were coming in. & OMG it was so funny this one guy kept saying, "Captain Oats" & "Sandy Cohen's getting a job application." We were laughing so hard. OC Hardcore. hehe.

oh yeah & some drunk guy offered 300 bucks for a night with me. Yeaaaah!!

yesterday = the best day ever? Duh!

i got to hang out with Trevor. & it was amazing.

today Joe & mason told me I look "sexy" & "hott" in my black pants and white jeans. haha that made my day.

& im kinda confused about one thing.. but I hope that changes.

Today Annie came to my game & i finally got to meet her. & now I'm in love with her & want to hang out way more often. "She used to look good to me, but now I find her simply irresistible." Then, Paul, Little Davey, Me & Annie went to Jack in the Box & ate. & saw a guys weiner. Yeah & my game was muddy & had mud in my butt crack. Thats sexy. & i love Andrew. & hell yeah were bringing back old school words like booya, syke, moted, whack, & talk to the hand. My friends are amazing. ♥

Which O.C. Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty
yeeeeah ow ow.

Yeah my effing computer is a piece of crap. & i hate it. Im tired. I get no sleep. I eat horrible. I feel sick. I cant write sonnets for homework. I suck? Hell yeah & i have nothing to say.

so yeah, friends are great & all & thats nice & like & stuff but other then that lifes kinda crap right now. & i just realized this. I dont feel good.

did LJ eff up or just on me?

Hey guess what??!! I'm a reject!! & I cant get a job because no one will hire me & i suck & more bad negative things about me!!!!
What else? Soccer, school, everything, I'm ready for it all to end. I want to hear from CSULB & want to know if I actually have a school to go to next year because if not I realized I'm moving to Sacramento. & guys who go out with you once & then never call or respond to Emails & stuff are suuuuch pieces of crap. Thats so not cool. & i dont dont want to go to Cortneys house I want to go to the beach & lay there for hours. & all my cassettes i record will not play in the car because the world in against me!
OMG i cant wait till the flipping summer!!

yeah & i love that new blink song "i miss you" effing nightmare b4 xmas !! ow ow.

& what the heck is the name of the oasis song in the credits of the butterfly effect?? I cant remember!! ps i love that movie.

ok so today was a good day. Friends seriously make me feel so happy when Im not. & i can live with that. I realized I photograph horribly. I realized I need a million new cds. I realized I never get what I want.

man, today is a confusing, thought provoking day. & im so glad my dad is on his way back from vegas. dinner with pops tonight. haha my dad is way to young to be called pops. So I realized today duh Oasis has always been one of my favorite bands i just forgot. & yes mason says im boy crazy, but after 2 years of not being allowed to be, i think i have every right. I just need it in return haha. & it rained today & you know i got really happy. & i had fun in practice today because im funny. & listening to blink is so silly. & i suck at writing sonnets.

♥

today our senior class went to the abortion clinic & held up a bunch of pro life signs & it was a lot of fun & people honked & gave up thumbs up. Me & Audrey liked when people liked us. hehe. Its raining again & im so happy. It stopped for our game & rained after. thats so amazing. & i feel sick. & tonight Jess comes back on gg!!! ahh im so excited. & im going to the boys soccer game right now, even though I dont feel good & im really tired.

being sick stinks.

You don't understand. I've completely lost all momentum. My report card came yesterday & i got a 3.4. I screwed myself & im trying to convince myself that somehow I can keep it a secret. I left school after second period because I felt like crap & I failed my quiz which made me feel crappier. So i went home & slept till 1. Then I woke up & although I felt like crap still, I went to turn in a couple applications because it was the only chance I would get considering i would usually be at practice. So tomorrow I have a second interview at Black Angus & then Lucielle's is going to call me & schedule my third interview. Both places seem to like me a lot. I'm glad & then I wont know which place to pick...

im so sick. it sucks. & the volume has been lowered because my ears are plugged. my nose is so plugged & my throat so sore. This weekend will consist of one thing & one thing only &that is studying for the test on monday because if i pass it I get the job i want @ Lucille's.
So Joe finally asked me to prom. Im so happy. I love his guts. & I got the whole: down on one knee sha-bang & stupid paul with his video camera drew a crowd & that made me embarrassed. But this picture from last year made me laugh.

Then later we went to the basketball game & i dont know why. & Jamba Juice just because. Oh yeah & i had a game today. & last night i slept from 1am-5am so Im exhausted. Goodnight.
ps mary im sorry. i miss you to death & have a wrong email.

OMG so seriously I dont think i can memorize all of this stuff for my test. Ive been studying since I woke up minus a few breaks & ive gotten.. well not far. It makes it so much harder to stay focused when you're really sick & just want to sleep & cant stop sneezing.
&sometimes friends do really nice things & that makes me feel bad like im not nice enough.

"I am but one small instrument"

ok i seriously messed up my entire journal. My info page & my actual journal. Does anybody want to fix it all amazing for me??? I know how i want it I just need someone capable. hehe.

so ive been studying non stop for what? to forget everything. I am really unhappy & stressing right now. tomorrow @ 9am is the test time. & i want somebody to come over & give me a hug & tell me I can do it & play with my hair while I study. ...
sometimes I miss the past.

Okay so my life is so bipolar. Not me personally, but my life.
monday : amazing. I Woke up early for some last minute reviews. The test took me 2 hours to take. & Heck yeah I passed & heck yeah she told me she was especially impressed with my test. Daniele freaking is the definition of coolness. So I am now a hostess at Lucille's in the Long Beach Towne Center. I have orientation next Wednesday.
Then I had a big game. & heck yeah we won & took first in league. ♥ so playoffs start next saturday.

Thats the only day that mattered really. The rest of this week is slow dull & unhappy. I don't like how people try to indirectly make me feel unhappy or when theyre mean. & I hate yearbook. I seriously want to drop that class. It just gets me so flustered & i dont care about anything anymore. & Im just unhappy with myself in general. But Katie Jo is amazing xs2. Thank you my sweet ♥ for redoing my journal.

& all i keep thinking about is how i want to kiss somebody. I havent in so long. & im feeling a crush coming on.

+2

happy Valentine's day.
Somebody please remind me that I'm happy & not to feel lonely & although this would have been our 2 year anniversary that I'm content with my life. Thanx.

So last night was totally fun. Downtown Disney & The block & all we do is look for hot boys, play the points game & try on hats & take pictures. & then we bought "pimp hats" with our signature names on them
ie: Daniele rhymes with Smell & Audrey rhymes with pee-pee. Theres other ones for other friends but other friends do not have our furocious hats. heck yeah. Were so freaking cool it hurts.
+5

ps. heck yeah I'm Dustin's Valentine. ♥ hehe.

Tonight was the gentlemen's night & daniele. The players:

mason:

Paul:

Joe:

Chuck:


& me but no picture of me. So yeah we went & hung out @ pauls house. Then went & saw:
Emery. They were really good. Watashi Wa. They were really good too. Me Without you. They were awful & the lead singer is a freak. & Anberlin. They were so so good live. Way better then CD & theyre really good on cd. So I had a lot of fun.

& I'm so stupid because I always complain about how guys never come up & talk to girls. But when a guy finally talks to me I practically ignore him. But i suck at starting conversations. But yeah he was really cute & 22. & why is it that I ONLY get older guys to hit on me or talk to me or whatever?

Anyways Then we ate In N Out. yum. & Drove everyone home. & now I'm tired. & tomorrow is my day with Cortney. <3

pictures are the best part of a live journal duh.

Cortney & I have so much fun trying on dresses together. It makes me feel like a fatty though. But still fun. & we make sexy faces & dorky faces & laugh cuz we cant zip zippers. & we ate cookies. & we saw The Perfect Score & although there were funny parts, it did suck. & the hot boy was working today & holy smokes. &then i ate more food with my dad & then we decided to go to the 11 o'clock showing of 50 first dates. & i loved it. Its so cute & sad & just good. & now Im home, bored & nobody's online & I decided to skip school even though Im skipping school Wednesday as well. Ditcher. totally.


me & cortney like trying to look all hard in gay hats. & why the crap is taking pictures with gay hats so fun?


sick. Nice armpit shot.

so like i said. no school for me. But rather sleep. yay. I love sleeping. So today I:
-Was online a lot.
-applied for housing.
-Did some Homework.
-Bought my dress from prom.
-went to Lindsays house.
-Went to the tanning salon.
-Ate taco bell with Lindsay & Andrew.
-tv.

Tomorrow = no school again. I have to go to orientation for work at 9am.

ps. Life is funny.
"& I finally found that life goes on without you.
& my world still turns when you're not around."

so i finally write how i feel. Kinda Personal.

"What we hate we make."

So for the past 2 days, I have been really hurting inside. I mean I have a great time with my dad & my friends, but deeper. I mean I've been feeling pretty lonely & yes, Im aware I'm pretty boy crazy lately, but I miss having one person always there to hold me & take my problems away. Since soccer started, I've gained almost 10 pounds. I hate it. I look at myself & i seriously hate my body right now. & i realize I need to cut back on all the junk food I eat, yet I still eat & eat a lot. & I look through magazines & see so many beautiful girls & its not jealousy, its just that it lowers my self esteem. a lot. & everyday I will not go out of the house without first applying makeup. & i dont like when my friends treat me like I'm not important. that hurts. & I don't know if Im getting into the school I want for next year. & my grades are low. & it scares me that next year I might have to move far away & be all alone. My mom never calls me & I wish she did because I miss her so much that sometimes I cry. & i want life to be so much more meaningful.
& i wasnt even going to write this because I dont want people to think im looking for sympathy or compliments, but then i realized this is my journal. I can write what im feeling if i want to, i dont care what anyone thinks. & i dont want compliments, i just want contentment with myself.

"At the end of the day, I'm alone & so are you."

A my life story is a lot deeper then most people think. Theres so much that i never tell anyone, but thats the stuff i never will. I mean i talk about most stuff just not some stuff. But yeah i know i can get through it i just wish i didnt have to. I hate those low points. & a hello from me could never brighten your entire day. i promise. hehe. But of course Id like to be your friend. Freaking all of Andrews friends are so nice to me & all & i love them all. But yeah i dont know where im going with this...

Today: school+soccer+work= a lot.
_________________________________

I started work today. I did expo though so we ran all the food to tables. & my hands stunk like crap. & they got burned & stuff. & it was.. different. haha.

ok tired.

this weekend soared by. Lame.

Friday --> saw Confessions of a Drama Queen with Cortney. The 'hot boi' was working. So I knew i couldnt take it anymore. haha. We went to "get a cup of water" & heck yes we exchanged phone #s. P.I.M.P to the maximus. haha. Then we went to Tasias house & paul came & we watched "A Guy thing" I love that movie.

Saturday --> work. had to leave work early for my game. So i was changing in the car while driving really fast. wow was that insane. & heck yes we won our first CIF game. next game = Wednesday. Then Dinner & Starbucks with my dad. &Then Grls Basketball game. & Then movies with Cortney & Paul. We watched Eurotrip & although there was a lot of nudity *i hate that, uncomfortable* it was really really funny.

Sunday --> Six Flags with my dad. & now i dont want to go to school tomorrow. *sadness*

so. today. school. practice. work. my days are so busy right now. Its like wake up early for skool, go straight to practice, & then go home get ready in 10 minutes & drive ridiculously past the speed limit to barely make it to work on time, get home after 9, do homework.

yeah so once soccer is finally over things will be much more calm. & our game got changed to tomorrow @ 3. So Second round CIF. go team. haha.

& so I called Shaun back today. (movie theater boi). & ahh. haha. Yeah. Ok well his voice mail is Copeland. Need I say more? .. exactly. So were going to go out either wednesday or thursday after I get out of work. FUN. You know that scene in Love Actually where the girl goes behind the wall & starts jumping up & down screaming with no sounds? Yeah I do that. Cute bois make me do that. :x

Everyone at my work is so nice. I love it. They just put me in a really good mood. My managers dance in the kitchen & are all crazy. haha its fun. Today I took to go orders it was hard, but i was a friggen pro. Ü

finally legal.

& I get one every year
And some day... Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground.
I'll be dead & gone, no longer around.

Today...

Im going to write a book when I'm older. I have been saying that for a really long time and I mean it. A book about dating and trying to understand the opposite sex. I just come to understand and notice a lot of things other people don't. I'm really knowledgable in this area. Although I have a lot of trouble in the area, it doesnt mean I don't notice things.

I seriously hate school. Its midnight & i have a paper to start writing and a quiz in German to start studying for. And some English busy work to do that Im just not going to do.

I'm really going through a rough time right now. Just an awkward time you know? Not the typical just dont know what i want. But rather I know what i want but dont have it and dont know how to attain it.

I have another date this weekend? Different boy. I really like the boy I went out with Last weekend though. I just wish he didnt go to school in SD. Hopefully he'll come home for Thansgiving and I can see him cuz he lives decently close.

I was reading a bunch of my old posts earlier today & i just want to tell me to shut the hell up. I seriously complain a lot. Thats annoying. its 230am and im wide awake because I took a nap after school and didnt wake up till 5.

New Screen name : Damage CONTR0L worthy of Keeping?

new myspace picture. haha. sorry so big. but cuts are so last year...

This morning I had to be at work at like 9am. It was this big breakfast thing & we all watched The Price Is Right. Because a bunch of ppl from my work went in August and my friend Vito got on & won the showcase showdown at the end of the show. So good. ♥

Oasis is one of the best bands ever.

My friend Nick is the best ever. We talk about all the cute boys who come into work. & i absolutely adore him. I have a crush on my gay friend. But he put in his 2 weeks notice today. & Im so sad. But its ok because We will hang out so much. He will be my Will and I will be his Grace.

Ok so I have 2 dates on Saturday? W T F. I love the fact that I told my dad I;m disappointed in his game & he told me I have more game then he does. If you knew how much of a pimp my dad was youd understand why i love this.
(pimp: not a whore, just a ladies man.)

Did anyone see about MySpace on the news? I missed it...

Yesterday me & my dad saw:
The Incredibles. so funny.
Saw. Sooo good. the acting had a lot to be desired but still very good.
Alfie. I will have sex with Jude law before i die. but about the movie.. it was good but pretty depressing.

stupid fatty kissy faces

Gross.

Today I drove to school. Drove around in circles for twenty minutes looking for a parking spot, finally found one & decided I didnt want to walk to class so I went home. haha. 4 weeks left of this semester effer.
I love you I love you I love you. Booya.

LETTING GO IS MY LIFE

My great grandma died today. I think she was 98. My grandmas going to New York tomorrow to be with her sister and for the funeral I suppose.

I broke my phone today. I dropped it in the toilet. .. I dont have money for a new one and I have all my numbers in there.. *sigh.

Im taking up a lot of bad habits.

I have a fever. 1 week of school left. Then finals week. Then happiness.

Damien Rice is absolutely amazing. BEAUtiful. ♥

The Singer from the used is so dirty looking.

I hate boys.

I really dont feel good. *sigh*

Tomorrow I have to go to the gym for day 1.

I think im going to go spend a lot of money on myself tomorrow. Its sad that shopping makes me so happy.

Jesse McCarthy is getting pretty hot. How old is he now.. 13?

Yes Today at the Brea mall, Paris was releasing her new perfume. & i met her. (if you didnt know, im freaking obsessed with the girl). So i get up there, & i never know what to say...

Paris: hi. whats up?
Me: hi. (very slow) i am like in love with you. I think youre so beautiful!
Paris: aww youre gorgeous.
Me: ahh well thank you.




I was shaky & like freaking out afterwards. haha

& some girl was looking at me & as i walked by she said to her friends "that girl looks like she just came out of a magazine" not sure if she was complimenting or insulting but i took it as a compliment.

It rained all day today!!!! <3 so so good.

Today i went to the El Rey to see Ashlee Simpson with Becky. That Sessions with AOL thing. It was fun. We're dumb together and stranger men talk to us and its fun.

BUT

I'm seriously depressed. I dont understand boys. And I dont understand why i feel certain ways about certain people. I could go into detail about this but why?

When Im unhappy I want to dye my hair dark and drink milk.

Im so sick of writing stupid complaining posts blah blah blah. But seriously im so unhappy with my life and what it is right now. My priorities are ridiculous, I dont care about much. But i just want to be happy. No matter how my day goes or what i do, i come home to be extremely unhappy & physically sick.

yeah this is what happens when im bored. o0ps.

I registered for next semester classes today.

Schedual.

Basic Photography. T.Th. 9:00 - 11:45.
Foundation Drawing. T.Th. 1:00 - 3:45.
Begin Ceramics - Wheel Throwing. T.Th. 5:00 - 7:45.
Math. M.W.F. 10:00 - 10:50.

Much longer hours. But it will be a lot more fun. Then after this semester, I decide if Im going to take some time off or start at another school. Either way I'm going to a different school whenever I decide to go back.

I have a new crush. ♥ I really like 2 guys right now. hmm. (chris + tim)
But I was talking to chris last night on aim until 5am. then he called me today & we talked for 1.5 hours. A boy who i can actually talk to? this is unheard of. Boys cant hold conversations anymore.

Saturday night I f'ed up my car. scratched the hell out of the side of it on the gate in front of my house. I was hysterical. cried so much. got an estimate today: $900. which is fabulous especially considering its right before i started christmas shopping huh. Then i almost killed myself but we wont go into that. My brother & I actually got along. haha funny how circumstances have to be for that.

Yesterday was noise ratchets last show. thats stupid. & they didnt even play vanity. what a bust.

Tomorrow (today technically) morning I have my german final. EFFER. So not happy about that. Especially considering I have learned close to nothing..

Dieter really wants me to go down to San Diego Wednesday. blah..

German is abschließen. (thats finishedduh). So happy you dont even know.
No more finals, 5 weeks off.!! *squea*
Everyone must hang out with me & do crazy things.

•Im supposed to be going to San Diego tonight, but i have to be at school at 8am to pick up my portfolio. So thats near impossible. I just feel really bad. But ill see him sunday and again tuesday.
•tomorrow im going out with chris. ♥ ♥ ♥
•Sara Jessica Parker has a really nice body. *jealous.
•Im really craving a chocolate eclair.
•my dad had a moment with anna nicole monday night.. i think shes gross.

Meine Vater und Ich.

So, today i went out with Chris. We went to the Museum of Contemporary Art in LA. it was a lot of fun. We were giving our lame explanations to eachother of what each piece meant. & they had this room wallpapered with screen printed chocolate. so rad.
Yeah so hes way cute & has the best smile ever. & hes sooo nice. Exactly what i need really,
Im just scared that I'll get bored because thats what happens with the nice ones. :x But we're going out again.

my grandparents are FREAKINGretarded. Not joking. They are ruining my life.
Number one pet peeve, flakey people. I hate when i have to flake out on people when I have no control of the matter & I made plans months ago. I get so angry and upset that I make myself physically sick. Do it all the time. So now I'm running a high fever and such.

tuesday im supposed to go to tim's show and then dieters birthday party. I need to manage this.

Movies I just saw:
Closer. I Personally am a huge fan of dark, twisted, depressing romance films. & the opening scene: Jude Law walking with Damien Rice playing... yeah I was breathless. & Julia Roberts looked so pretty.
Lenomy Snicket. it was good. Kinda had no ending, but it is the first book in the series so thats expected.
Oceans 12. i thought it was really good. It was very funny. & brad pitt.. *swoon*

I made cookies for myself. sooo good.

My car has been in the shop since Friday! Im going insane I need it back so bad.

my grandpa just died. this is the worst christmas to date.

Its not fair that he died this way.
Its not fair that my last memory of him was him not remembering me.
Its not fair that i had to watch this disease consume the remainder of his life.
Its not fair that there is no cure.
Its not fair that i wouldnt go see you because it hurt me.

w h a t i s f a i r

Grandpa

I used to walk out of my bedroom and I'd see you sitting there all by yourself,
You'd have a blank look on your face as you'd stare at the clouds go by.
You'd just sit there like you weren't even alive.
You'd look so lost, and you'd seem so alone.
I wanted to be there for you, I really did,
But you couldn't even finish a simple sentence when talking to me.
You couldn't remember what happened from one minute to the next,
But I was well aware that you truly were trying your best.
Of all people, why did this disease choose you?
As our minds go forward, yours only turns back.
Since I was little, most of your attention was focused on me,
Now you can't even keep your eyes focused, let alone recognize me.
You used to be so strong and lively,
Now all that's left is skin on bone.
I'll never forget the heartache, watching you slowly wither away.
The last time I saw you will be the last time indeed.
From now on, Grandpa, you wont know me. </font>

WTF.
READ
a good day? are you kidding me? the stars must be allined.
Today i slept all day as usual. Then I went into work early for my friend. So I do this thing when i am always checking out guys at work & we go around telling eachother, 'hey go look at 213' yes we name them by the table numbers. its fun. & if you know me, you know how boy crazy i am. So tonight this guy came in. He had a cute beanie on & he was just adorable, there was something about him. Then i noticed a wedding ring. I was sad, but i kept walking by his table because he was hot. then i realized he looked familiar. & when he took off his beanie, i realized i was right & he was who i thought he was.



Yep. It was Adrian Young of No Doubt. He was There with Nina & either his parents or hers. Hes super nice & way hot. Its funny because i met him a few months ago at an Oslo show & i lost his autograph. Now i have a new one. ♥ i felt bad for bugging him though.

&&& i got my car back!!! booya

HELP!

I need pictures of fashionable hair styles for long hair.
I just want to add some style to my hair, its so straight &.. just there.

if you had pictures or found some i will love your guts. ♥

I didnt go to sleep at all Tuesday night. I was awake for about 41 hours. nice.
my grandpas funeral was last night. yep that was terrible. really
i spent 25 dollars on a ten track cd. ridiculous!!

i dont return phone calls anymore.
I have nothing to say.

¡OVER IT!

not saying im happy but...
bad pitt & jennifer broke up!

every single time, everything always turns out the same. everything goes to crap.

Me &my sister own you. ♥ to the maxxx.

i went to my moms for a couple days, other than that...

I've been spending all my time with Brandon. & i like it that way.

tomorrow I have my surgery on my foot. im scared actually.

ok so dumbass of the year award. So i lost my car keys & then my spare key doesnt work. & so i finally found my key..its locked in my car. & now i dont know what to do. wonderful. ♥

Then i went to dinner? with Tim. & this girl came up to our table & said to him, 'can i talk to you over here'. & it was awkward. But yes hes a sweetheart.

Lets see..

best friends bring you your favorite flowers after surgery. Ah you dont even know how appriciated you are.

this weekend has been just laying around the house freaking disabled. & 2 days later, my foot is just starting to hurt.
I cleaned it today & its gnarly looking, but my digicam was MIa so youll have to wait till i get film developed.

school starts tomorrow. thats crap. after, im going shopping & spending tons of money.

& & &

Brandon Devine makes me smile so wide.

♥ ♥ ♥

I'll be wrapped around your finger...

ok school is the lamest thing ever i hate it. My classes are just too long. I might drop my foundation drawing class, it seems really really too hard. Im supposed to be at school but we got out of class 2 hours early so i drove all the way home & have to go back soon.
& theres a cute boy in my photo class & he makes me nervous.

Yesterday i went shopping!! I spent a ridiculous amount of money!
2 new jeans
girls boy shorts
2 shirts
a purse
a belt
2 items from victoria secret :]

This semester is going to cost me so much money!! Im dying.

& did you know: Its nearly Valentine's Day.

its so retarded. winter break was great and i was finally getting sleep. i was stress free (after family trauma). & things were finally getting balanced. 2 days into the new semester I cannot sleep. I feel all my anxiety back. Im stressing over the stupidest things. Especially things I probably have no reason to stress over. Why do i do this to myself? I seriously am not built for this...

i wasnt going to write again, but paul says im allowed up to 6 posts per day so..



I seriously dont understand people.

ok i was going to write more.. but thats all i need to write to explain how i feel.



'If living is the problem, well, that's just baffling."

"they told you all romantic fools had died, I'm here to tell you that they lied"



I've reached a point in my life where I am just stuck at a place of confusion. Not understanding why things happen and not knowing how to fix them. I am trying to watch from the side lines and get a better grasp of life through a telescope point of view. Being on the side lines is where I want to be. You get hurt less that way. But somehow i keep ending up mid-field against my will. I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to skip to the next chapter of my life. I want to fast forward right through this one.

[EDIT] I always feel stupid for writing things in here. Like without a story it all seems so irrelevant, untrue, and exaggerated. Let me just say that there are certain things in my life that i truly enjoy. I just have psychotics for relatives & I don't fit in with my family. It makes it hard.

Best friends clean up your barf ♥

no LJ cut. hah!

i got a new tattoo yesterday.

& believe it or not, in person its way more neon p!nk then it appears in that picture.





♥

ps best self portraits,.

Quinn Allman has the hottest hair ever.
its like the boy version of mine.





i would definitely like to sexhimup.com

we did our first prints today. theme "objects that reflect your personality" the more i look at them the more crappier i think they are. they look better in person though, the scanner made lots of dust.

am I the only one who didnt realize Jesse McCartney is Paul McCartney's son? wtf. I'm retarded. But yeah i have the biggest crush on that little boy. haha.

& since when did Jennifer Lopez look so good?

I want to go see the wedding date.

& ps im lacking in the valentine dept.

does anybody want to trade mix cds?

Ok I NEED EVERYONES HELP!

I'm seriously debating going brunette. I keep asking everyone for their opinions but im not getting very many straight answers.
This is what i'll do if i dye it. but not so dark:



my worries/thoughts/concerns:

- i love being blonde.
- darker hair might make me look deadly pale.
- [no offense to brunttes] everyone has brown hair..
- & i LOVE being blonde.

its just that ive had my hair like the same for 2 years now!! before i had it like this, i dyed it practically every few months. so im just EXTREMELY bored.
I want honest opinions please. thank you. ♥

havent updated in over a month. who cares. not it.





















too many.


I hate hate hate it.

Today was my last day at Front Desk. Passed the test, took the class & i start server training on Wednesday.

Mid life crisis. I cant wait till summer.

Things i need:

New computer. again.
Ipod.
Money for speeding ticket/traffic school.
more friends.
vacation.
change of pace.


my dad is looking into a vaction for him & I. Thank the Lord. Were both dying from life. Hes thinking Hawaii. Im thinking heck yes, its been too long.
I wish i had more friends. The ones I could just call to go to the mall with me or go get fast food. Im lacking.

yeah so although I'm still training, Serving is terrific. At least so far.
First day I got a marriage purposal on a comment card, and another day one of my customers bought me dessert and you dont get tips when youre training, only if they say, 'i want you to have this' and these two really nice ladies gave me 15 dollars. 2 more training days to go. awesome awesome.

I bought a bunch of cds today. Stop spending money !!

Life is beautiful.

ok so i work too much. I work everyday for the rest of the month minus 2 days. & Im working two or three doubles.

May 9th is the fashion show.
I really have nothing to say. Life is dull.

Have you heard new Rocket summer?

oh & Eisley in Az May 10. Whos going with me???

still nothing to say.

I'm updating with NO pictures Jerks!

I miss being blonde. I really really do.

ATTENTION ARIZONIANS:
i will be in tempe on tuesday so come hang out with me!

I have to wake up in less than six hours. Tomorrow's the fashion show, I know i should be kinda excited, but i'm not. Im more excited for the party afterwards. Parties are one of the only things i care about anymore.

I hate Lonely.

everyone send me lots of good music because i bought an iPOd.
: email : damage CONTR0L@aol.com

i hope youre as happy as youre pretending.

New Hair:





yeah I put some bleach in that ish. More golden than white but i think i like it right now, we'll see. black, brown, bleach. its colourful. I need to update this stupid thing, I just need to resize a bunch of pictures & I need photoshop for mac.

& this is going to be the best summer of my life biotch. 93 days till my birthday.

"ive been secretly falling apart"

its hard having a dad who constantly has negative things to say about your physical appearance. Who never accepts things as constructive criticism & never takes blame. When you used to love so much but now his presence alone is a bad ora.

its hard having a mother that you rarely see. & rarely returns your phone calls. but still love more than the world itself.

its hard being in love with a person who has a girlfriend, yet obviously likes you and shows you in more than a few ways. But is set on a road for the future that is seemingly unchangable in their eyes.

its hard having to wait hand and foot on rude people who you know arent going to leave you more then a couple dollars tip.

its hard when you know what you want for your life but cant get there by being happy.

im so lonely i cant even cry.


'oh please just let me please breakdown'

dont you love when lyrics describe your exact feelings?
I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart
Unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes

best day of work ever = being completely intoxicated.

on the way home from work something hit my car & completely knocked my tire off!! Thank God Kris was there to help me. & now i feel so bad. & im so in love with him.

& says hes having second thoughts about moving to FL and marrying madelin, i want to tell him so bad how i honestly feel, i know he likes me, & im pretty sure he knows how i feel but i dont know how i can get myself to tell him..........

ugghdgfsersyfkugthvbgdcrsrttfhmbkjjihioyisofuckedupthsrsfgdghfdhgfhjghjgk.jghkjhh,mm,

i want to move away SO bad!
There is not one thing keeping me here.

Don't walk too close
Don't breathe so soft
Don't talk so sweet
Don't sing
Don't lay oh so near
Please, don't let me fall in love with you again
Please let me forget
all those sweet smiles
all of the passion
all of the heat, the peace, the pain
all those blue skies
where your words were my freedom
Please, don't let me fall in love with you again
Too many times
I've cared too much
I stood on the edge
and saw that you held my hand
and knowing too well
I couldn't hide from those eyes
Please, don't let me fall in love with you again

Kris: did daniele tell you we're getting married?
Jolea: no she didnt.
Kris: yeah if i dont move to Florida I'm going to stay here and marry her.
Jolea: so are you thinking youll probably go, or probably stay?
Kris:im not sure yet.
Jolea: well, what will make you decide?
Kris: her.
Jolea:you need somebody who'll appricate you. you need to stay in california.
Kris: i know.



dear kris, please break up with madeline. I'm in love with you. love daniele.

"wayward and highstrung. she is lovesick and ever so strong"

yep... *sigh*








(tired & gross at work)

sidekick pictures.







Yeah so last night i drove back from my moms house & went to work (after it was closed) to go talk to Kris because he had been calling me the last couple of days saying how we need to talk. Basically I told him exactly how i feel about him & he told me how he has feelings for me and really cares about me, but doesn't know what he's going to do and doesn't know what he wants. I'm only more confused & unsure then ever.

so basically
i drink too much.
i work too much.
i eat too much.
i owe too much.
i love too much.


"It's a beautiful day. Now I'll be ok that you're not away
Yesterday was a terrible day, But now that you're here I'm ok"

mmmmm.


What if there was no line?
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme.
What if you should decide, that you don't want me there by your side.
That you don't want me there in your life.

What if I got it wrong, and no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide that you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life.

Oooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side
Oooh, that's right
How can you know it if you don't even try
Oooh, that's right

Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
But that's the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your life
That you don't want me there by your side.


that song couldnt describe my brain more if it tried.

i lost my camera.

Life is complicated.

i hate my grandparents. They gave away my dog & didnt say anything. i seriously hate them.

& i dont think that you know what youve been missing..
my grandparents hate me. And the feeling is recipricated.
Seriously, why do you think i work 6-7 days a week? #1 so i dont have to be home and #2 to save money to move out.

i hate knowing there's something [physically] wrong with me, yet not telling anyone so I wont have to go to the doctor.
like rilo kiley...

i went to the movies by myself today and had a "Me Day" I hadnt been to the movies in 8 months! I saw Bewitched & I loved it. Seriously, I loved it.

I want to live life for me and not care what others want to see of me and expect of me. I want answers. I want to be happy ALL the time, I want to be in that moment with you where youre laying your head on my shoulder and holding my hand forever.

"just forget me, its that simple..."

i havent gotten out of bed today..
"i sleep so i dont have to feel"

i dont have the will power.

ok so nobody ever believes me when I say that guys dont ever talk to me. But i was actually thinking about it today & there is not one single guy that I have dated that I did not pursue.

Thats pretty depressing and pathetic.

& i still havent got out of bed. I need to get out of the house, to do anything. I hate days like these. I'm not looking forward to a phone call and conversation later.

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I want to stand in a field with a really strong wind and feel what its like to be free. I want to wake up and know what its like to be happy. I want to remember what its like to truly be in love. I want to be loved.

I want to move away so bad. & i really think I'm going to. But I know that running away from my problems will just lead to new problems. Seriously, why is it so hard to be happy??

my house is not a home.